When did you pop out of the place?!

August is the time of the crab, I know you're a ram but this metaphor is more appropriate for crabs so like, go with it. The humble crab is strong, dare I say, beautiful and intimidating. However, when they moult they are at their most vulnerable, do not fear! I have left a sword in your enclosure, please use it wisely. Stab on sight, obviously. 

This months recommendation: Remember to eat your old carapace, it's a good source of calcium! 

As the weather cools, remember that you still need sunshine. Get out and see pals, overthrow governments and do some arts and crafts. In the latter half of the month, a strange man will approach you asking for change - sing Allstar loudly at him. After all, 

we could all use a little change.

This months recommendation: Ensure you are wearing clean, matching socks on Friday the 8th of August - more will be revealed if you know where to look

Is that a frog in your throat? Or perhaps an axolotl? Don't get choked up thinking about what to say, let that 

amphibian out! It's important to remember that you have all the tools you need when it comes to speaking your mind, when we don't speak

fear wins and so does the frog or axolotl... where did we land on what exactly is in your throat?

This month's recommendation: Find yourself immersed in a showtunes style flashdance, prep your tapdance skills and blow em' all away.

Have you broken out of any old routines that don't serve you, lately? Good work! It's hard to escape from prisons, mental or physical!

On the off chance you're still stuck in the actual slammer, I have hidden a nail file in your birthday cake. 

Will the guards be wary of a birthday cake for someone

born in July? Yes, yes they will. 

This month's recommendation: Seduce a guard, fight the patriarchy and remember that the parachute cord is on the right of you! 

This month my divine powers suggest that you will experience a whole rotation of the sun, relative to the day you were birthed! Miraculous knowledge, I know. Happy birthday sweet Leo, you get a pass from ominousness cause's its a special time for ya'

This month's recommendation: Spend time with family, friends and critters great and small, everyone wants to  celebrate you right now, let it happen! 

Sometimes it's okay to do maths. Like, don't go overboard with it, but it's considered appropriate when numbers attack you. I think you're likely safe from 8 and 5 but I wouldn't trust 3. 

This month's recommendation: Sit on a bench, converse with a ladybird, eat a banana and rub your feet on the grass, but like, not for free!

Do you feel betrayed by the seasons at the moment? Me too, buddy. Me too. Fear not, the season of the witch is shortly upon us and all will make sense again.  

This month's recommendation: Gather the following ingredients for a potion; eye of newt, toe of conservative, vape of nicotine addict and hair of racoon. Once you make the potion, you'll know what it's for. 

Oh man, y'all always assume I'll be nice to my own star sign.

No, I am just as worthy of unsettling suggestions, premonitions and threats. 

This month, you will be found wanting. Pretty much everything.

You'll be thirsty, hungry and always feeling like you're on the cusp of pissing yourself. You won't, but the fear is there. 

This month's recommendation: Prepare for battle. This month you're gonna fight for what you believe in, be prepared to think it's dumb to use violence and wish you could solve your problems with custard. 

Have times changed lately? They do that. I am sorry. But the good news is this month is gonna make you feel on top of the world. You might accidentally drink a potion that makes you incredibly tall and actually be on top of the world. I packed a shrinking potion in your right jacket pocket, come down when you're ready darling. 

This month's recommendation: 

Front step, cha-cha-cha, Back Step, Cha-Cha-Cha, Side Step, Cha-Cha-cha back and turn! 

It's okay to be scared of change, but change is not scared of you and do you really want that to be the power dynamic between you? Overcoming your fear can only make things better for you both! 

This month's Recommendations: Shake, shake, shake, shake a shake them. And by 'them' I mean your hands! Jazz hands all over the shop this month bud, it'll provide you with untold joy

Shake that 8 ball, baby. It's going to be a month full of mystical wondering's and psychic premonitions. Tell everyone you meet that they'll injure themselves soon, then kick them, see? Psychic! 

This month's recommendations: Wear steel-toe boots and shin pads, be prepared for retaliations. 

To be totally honest, I am almost entirely out of ideas, but I'm trying! You're gonna find £20 in the shower, which is disconcerting but much better than finding a spider! Unless you owe the spider money, cause' they can see you have it now. 

This month's recommendation: Start the shower before you get in, so spiders can't see what money you have.