When did you pop out of the place?!

This month, you will meet an enigmatic woman. One can fascinate this woman with bread and cheese. For she is actually a mouse. 

With care, you may be able to train her to complete small tasks, such as tax evasion and blacksmithery. 

This month, you find that you're fearing the dark. You'll have a recurring dream about a malevolent snail who hunts you through the 

streets, covered in custard. You don't need to fear, carry salt on you and invent a new delicacy. 

This is the month of the sun shining, yes. But also, the bugs flying! Duality of er, mother nature. She doesn't mind that you only love her half the time. 

She only asks that you accidentally consume as many insects as you can. Open wide. 

You know when you hear that strange humming noise just before you cross the road and so you wait a few seconds and a car comes screeching around the corner, narrowly missing you? That's actually the invisible perceptive woman - she would actually really appreciate a thank you occasionally. Bit rude, innit? 

Leonard! Is that you. Oh well, or just like, a very feline looking Oscar? This month is all about nibbling your way gently through issues. Take those huge teeth (and I mean, really, really fuckin' big teeth, who even has teeth that big...where was I?) Take your gnashers and do some gnawing through your troubles pal. 

Did you leave the oven on? No. That would be ridiculous, you haven't even used the oven this year! But it could be - have you thought about it today?
Could be one of those psychic ovens. Best to check.

I suggested you look for change, I suggested you search for rice. I suggested you search inside yourself - you did? Oh? Uh, have you seen a dr about it yet? Good, get that checked my guy. 

Did you mean to meet an interesting woman and lose your sense of propriety lately or was that an accident? 

Be not afraid, rumour has it, she's gonna bring you some cheese. You'll regain lucidity at some point. Probably. 

You'll be nothing but loved this month, Sag!

Honestly, you've been putting in the hours and we all love you very much. Nothing ominous for you. 

You put the cap in Capricorn this month babe, you're firing shots.

We're proud of you. You're doing the 'work'. We're not certain

what the work is, but the word on the street is that it's mysterious and important 

Go to Asda (Bedminster!) There you will find a slime, so pervasive and also persuasive that you're happy to take it on

as a family member. Congratulations on your new daughter/son/mother/father/cousin ect.. whoever they become, they love you very much.

I think you should go to the aquarium this month. I know it's a bit of a cliche, but I really think there's some cool shit happening there. 

It's the place to be, you know? Make pals with a crab or even a fish! If you want to be that guy.