When did you pop out of the place?!

During this time, please remember to feed your carnivorous plants. They are starved for affection and also for the viscera they desire. If in doubt, find a very unpleasant person to feed them with, it’s your duty to clean up these streets. 

In terms of feeling overwhelmed, simply don’t. This month will be packed with the known and the unknown. Fear not, you have the capacity to handle it, and the baseball bat to deal with any of the less pleasant elements of socialising. 

It’s time for the autumn cull. Please check your closets to find the doppelgängers hiding in there, it’s important to kill your double before they get too attached to this reality. Don’t fear, extinguishing them from this reality will send them back to the mirror realm they originated from, preventing any unwanted side-effects.
 

Have you checked inside your ears lately? They’re trying to tell you something, pal. 

There’s a babel fish inside all of us, yours is just trying to tell you a story. Steal that story and sell it for 30 million. It’s within you, after all. Even if it’s something else’s’ idea. 

Into the darkness, into the night… That’s all they ever fuckin’ tell you - but trust me when I say, they’re right! You need to carry a torch with you at all times. They’re coming. When you get trapped in the maze and can hear the roaring of the minotaur, you’ll be able to see and also potentially bonk him on the head if he’s being naughty. 

Stop that! I know what you’re doing. I see you. You thought you wouldn’t get caught but you did and now you just have to own up to it. 

If you really want to help, meet me behind ASDA Bedminster in half an hour, with a fountain pen, a bottle of whiskey and a wooden spoon. 

Libra, don’t you think that it’s time to build that lighthouse you’re always talking about? You have the skills, the supplies… all that remains is the legions of undead that are a lot cheaper than usual labourers. You know the spell and ritual. Balance will not restore itself, one must strive for change. 

Time has been attacking you, but don’t worry - it’s time for revenge! Armed with only an hourglass and the rage that burns in the back of your oesophagus, you can do it. 

Kronos is about to run out of time. 

You are the patron saint of kicking ass this month. Time to please your followers and kick some ass. Like, literally please. Find as many behinds as you can and boot em’

A leg or thigh will also do in a pinch. 

There is a bird in your chest. It’s a barn owl, named Bernard. They’ve been trying to escape, but every time you down Dr. Pepper they get burpy and remain trapped. If you set them free, the end of the world will come about. Keep your addictions, and your secrets. 

Do you remember the lighter I lent you back in 2015? It’s actually filled with the souls of people who have wronged me, not butane as you might expect. 

Keep on my good side and you can keep the lighter, you piss me off? Another fuel source… 

Do you feel that fire? The one roaring in the back of the fireplace? It’s reaching out for you. Not for any malicious reason, the fire is safe, warm and will definitely not burn you. Well, if you’re chosen to join with the flames. If you touch fire and you’re not… well, someone should call the burns unit, just in case.